September 5, 2014 at 11:26 am
I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner.
Adopting the poly lifestyle and cultivating what that means to me is an ever-evolving process.
And sometimes it’s exhausting!
And sometimes I ask myself why the hell am I doing this considering I don’t feel a compelling need to be with other people.
But the bottom line is that my husband’s brain and desires coincide with a poly lifestyle so it is necessary for me to find some common ground to give him a greater sense of fulfillment in his life.
My only options are to leave or adjust because even though he has offered more than once to return to monogamy for me I know he would be miserable so I continue to explore for his benefit and have found many unexpected benefits for myself along the way.
- The most obvious pro that pops to mind is that our marriage has vastly improved.
All the walls between us completely dropped soon after converting our relationship to poly.
That includes walls that I did not even know existed.
It has been incredibly freeing to suddenly be able to say anything at all without fear of how it will be taken.
And with everything on an honest playing field he can accept those conversations and not get in a defensive mode with me.
Our communication in other words is better than I could have ever dreamed.
- We are more into each other now than we were before as well.
Stirring up the sexual pot has brought a lot of magic back to us.
It’s not all about his other relationships or my other relationships.
The greater benefit is the improvement to our relationship.
- While I don’t believe I was inhibited before I have become freer in bed with him now and it has made our sex life a lot better as a result.
Again, it’s dropping those walls and just living in the moment.
I have also learned new things about myself sexually that I never would have learned before and I have enjoyed beginning to explore those aspects of myself.
He is 100% supportive and that is very cool.
I had gotten into a deep rut before and basically thought of myself as a big blob but through meeting and chatting with new people and the increased attention from my husband I have begun to feel alive again and I feel very sexy again.
I gotta say, that’s an awesome feeling that I wish everyone could feel!
I’m sure if I kept thinking I would come up with others but the most important thing is hugging my husband 9 or 10 times a day and feeling so much chemistry, joy, and excitement between us.
We are brand new to each other again.
It’s like new relationship excitement except we also have 12 years of history and knowledge of each other that makes that feeling so much more intimate.
I look at other couples that look miserable and I sometimes want to say, “Hey, give this a try.”
Cons for me is a much shorter list but still very intense.
Insecurities still come up for me occasionally but are thankfully far less common now.
My husband and I have talked this point to death.
I know he’s not trying to replace me.
I know he has not taken love away from me to give some to other women.
I know I’m his rock and he won’t give that up. Still, there are times where a cloud of despair drops down around my head and I spend hours cussing him out in my mind and saying hateful cruel things sometimes to him if he gets in my way.
He has learned not to push me to talk when I get into a funk.
I need time to process and then we can talk and then I will feel better.
Our talks always are the #1 key to my recovery from that place.
In the beginning I would sit in that despair for 3-4 days and they would come at least once a week.
Now, 5 months later I can go 2-3 weeks with none of that and when it does come it lasts no longer than 1 day.
The exhausting amount of self-analyzing that goes with this.
Honestly though, I have a masters degree in marriage and family therapy and the time I spent in that program was much more draining than this is and I suspect it will get easier faster than it did in that program just as my bounce back time from despair has improved.
I think we will “work out the kinks” (haha) much faster and then those follow-up conversations will become shorter and less painful.
The bottom line is I am still struggling but I love the improvements to my life and I see progress on my cons list.
I feel it’s possible I may not have a cons list one day.
Learning to be poly is much like a roller coaster ride.
This podcast, books, videos I’ve found on youtube and through showtime, and the More Than Two website have been my frequent saviors over the last few months.
They all preach about communication and I have to say whatever amount you communicate now communicate more!
It seems like there can never be too much communication.
And in the end, it has brought my husband and I so much closer!